I am lost. I need some direction. Any advice?

God, where do I start this? When I was little, my mother cheated on my father. He killed himself because of this. After, I developed a severe case of misogyny. A few years later, my mother was in an automobile accident that claimed her life as well as my brother's. After, I moved in with my grandmother because she was the only shred of family I had left.



I achieved A grades in school with no effort at all. When I turned 15, I started doing drugs. Not marijuana, but cocaine and pills. Pills proved to be my choice. I didn't graduate high school because of this and I just loitered about with no purpose in life.



My grandmother fell ill one day and told me I need to get my life together. Not wanting to disappoint her any further, I stopped the drug use and went back to school, finishing my required courses in record time and getting my diploma. I got lucky and landed a GREAT job soon after. I eventually moved out.



About 4 months of having moved out, my grandmother passes. It took me 3 days to break down and cry because I was hit so hard with it, I was numb. After that, I went to college. I continue to hold a regular spot on the Dean's List every semester with very little effort. I went in for psychology.



I chose psychology early, actually -- when I was about 6 years old. I was always a good listener and had a genuine want to help others. I easily understood what everybody went through -- even if I haven't went through it myself. I wanted to learn more about people, and more importantly: myself.



I continued to do my thing until I met someone. I worked at my job for about 4 years when she started. She was hired in as a training manager for the office staff. Everyone liked her; she was attractive, I will admit, but I just felt her niceness wasn't genuine. Not only that, she was very flirty.



I just ignored her entirely. Even when she made attempts to talk to me, I kept my responses concise and rather cold. Her flirtatiousness really didn't work on me, and I think this really bothered her. I was the only one ignoring her, and she couldn't stand it.



This made her try even harder, but to no avail. I just don't respond to women the way most men do because of what my mother did to my father. I was told she was always asking about me from my friends at work. I was flattered, but not interested.



Then, one day, we are both paired up to work on a presentation for the corporate office. What luck, I thought. We ended up talking about everything but the project. Turns out, she is really smart. She is in school for her PhD. Her husband cheated on her -- this resulted in a divorce 6 years ago. She had her own home and hadn't any children.



I kept asking the questions because I really didn't want to talk about myself. We ended up winning over the corporate office and even received bonuses for such a great job. She wanted to celebrate -- just her and I. So, we went out. One thing led to another, and we started dating.



We're still together after two years today. However...she's 34 and I'm only 25. She has so much family she can't even remember their names -- I haven't even a third cousin. She makes a list for the store, only going to get what she wants -- I go to the store and get what sounds good at the time. We are two entirely different people, yet I don't know what it is she sees in me. That brings rise to my question.



The other night, we were laying in bed, talking about random things. We ended up talking about creatures that mate for life. Penguins, mallards, love birds, etc. I bring up the Venus Flower Basket -- a sponge. She laughs.



I told her two baby shrimp -- one male and one female -- swim inside it through its pores. They stay so long, that they grow too big to exit the sponge. They mate and raise young. Eventually, all the young leave and the shrimp stay there forever.



She smiles. Then I get the question. "Do you love me?" I didn't know what to say. I froze. I never said that to a woman in my life other than my mother and grandmother. Never romantically.



Eventually, my silence makes her feel awkward. She gets up and says, "Never mind. Forget it." She goes and sleeps in her guest room. She's been quiet the last couple of days.



Truthfully, she means the world to me, but I feel I can never tell her that. It's not the fact that she's smart, beautiful, has her own house, the sex -- it's the little things. She has my medication laid out for me every morning. I tell her to stop doing that -- that I won't forget -- but she does it anyway. She knows where my keys and wallet are at all times, what mood I'm in -- everything.



I just don't know what to do. I do love her -- I REALLY do, but I am afraid if I tell her, I will just end up like my father. I know, we've been together for two years and I haven't said it. It is what it is. What do I do?I am lost. I need some direction. Any advice?
dont worry i read it...dont be afraid, tell her you love her...but more than that show it to her..it will feel much more real, dont let things from the past steal the happiness God has prepared for you, your mother was a completely different person, it was another time..it is different now, u can let go..
Advice: Next time write a shorter description so that we can actually read it and commentI am lost. I need some direction. Any advice?
I am NOT your therapist. You'll have to pay me to read all that.
Well, I enjoyed reading it and think it makes perfect sense. I think you really will need to get a good therapist to help you work through the terror you feel when you think of saying those words to her. You've been through an awful lot and I'm sure a good therapist would benefit you. Sounds like you are actually doing well, though, so you probably wouldn't need to be in therapy for all that long.



I think you should copy, paste, and print what you wrote and leave it on the kitchen table or bathroom counter for her to find. Highlight the part that says: She means the world to me. She will be very touched and she should be able to understand why you can't say it right now.



I think it will go well.I am lost. I need some direction. Any advice?
very interesting story, thanks for sharing ^.^. Let her know how you feel, as hard as it has been for you in your past, it cant get worse! she seems like the perfect woman for you, and you don't want to lose that, despite the age difference.
Well, I do think you should speak with a therapist b/c there are many layers of hurt, etc. here, but...

1. Your mother was wrong to cheat but her cheating isn't what caused your father to commit suicide. Your father committed suicide because of his own mental illness. Think of the huge percentage of people who cheat in our society :(( ...If each of their partners committed suicide we wouldn't have many Americans left, would we?

2. A woman needs to hear "I love you". If you refuse to show and tell her that you love her eventually she will start building walls of protection (just as you have) and either she will grow unhappy and unresponsive to you or she will leave (or cheat). Once again, I am not excusing cheating. And, sometimes a woman will simply tell you her feelings or ask you to go to counseling with her or respond in another way that could actually help your relationship. The outcome isn't always something "bad".

Nevertheless, since you say you love her, my vote is that you take the chance and tell her the truth. Because imo you are taking a much bigger risk by not saying anything. Love is a reciprocal thing. It is hard to remain vulnerable and tender and open to someone who doesn't love you. And love is all about letting someone else in...