Would seeing a psychologist be a good idea?

I'll be honest, i'm really struggling with myself. It's gotten worse over the past year or so. I'll try to keep this as short as possible.





All I want to do is sit alone in my room. I don't want to see friends or people. If a friend calls (bare in mind I haven't got many left) I ignore it, or make an excuse as to why I can't do something.


There are 2 reasons for this. The first - I want to be on my own. The second - seeing people makes me anxious. Even my friend who i've known for 7 years - I have to plan things to say in my head before I meet her and even then it's so awkward and i'm so on edge.


Being around people makes me paranoid and awkward and full of hate. I find I utterly loathe people I meet for the smallest reasons and then go on to imagine what punishment they should receive (sometimes in great detail, and quite graphic and violent.) At work I avoid the staff room because being in there makes me so paranoid of what they are all thinking of me and anxious because I don't know how to talk or joke with them. Even if it is raining I will sit on my own outside so that I don't have to be in there with other people.


Making conversation is so hard for me, it's exhausting. I constantly worry about being around people because I find I have nothing to say to anyone. On the other hand I enjoy talking to myself a lot. I do it for hours. And by talking to myself I mean talking to the imaginary person that's inside my head. It's me, but another part of me that feels like a separate being. They are the only one that understands me.


I self harm. Especially when I get fixated on something dark. It's like it has to become a part of me. For example, I cut the word 'Dexter' into my arm (Dexter Morgan of the show Dexter) because i've become fixated on him and wanted him to be 'part of me'. I did the same with the word 'Tate' (as of American Horror Story.) When I get these obsessions they are all I can think about. They take over my life.


I am frequently terrified to the point of panic. I imagine things in the dark and KNOW that they can get me if I let them. Light is the cure. I cannot walk around my house in the dark. Even the 5 second walk from my bedroom to the bathroom is traumatic for me. My heart beats so hard it feels like it will escape my chest and my brain goes into overdrive and I breathe so fast because it really does feel like something is after me. I have to shine a light alternatively in front and behind me every second to 'keep them away'. Apart from in the kitchen, where the 'ghosts' do not want to harm me. I know it sounds stupid, but it's so real for me.


I have rituals that I carry out every day. I've been doing this for years and new ones develop every so often. For example saying 'Clear clear stop stop' to make something safe. The clear has to pronounced Clee-ar because I used to think that saying it clee-er would make me pregnant because the 'er' rhymes with the er in sperm. I know it's stupid. I know that. But i've been doing that specific thing for about 8 years now. (I'm 22).


Other include touching my bedroom door whenever I leave and saying 'safe' and then picturing a green sort of barrier across my door and for me that means no one can get in.


I have trouble interacting (even more so) with males. I've never had a male friend let alone boyfriend. I've never been on a date or had sex. I can't imagine it ever happening. I never 'fancy' or 'like' anyone. Ever. Only fictional characters who I then obsess over.


I get depressed frequently and then end up smoking and drinking to make it go away. Sometimes all I can do is feel it and I feel like there is no point in me being alive. But I so want to be. I want to have fun, but all these things in my mind stop me.


I have problems with physical contact. I can't even bring myself to hug my own mum. She tries but I have to squirm away. When someone touches me I tense up and can't relax until they have moved away. Even such a thing as someone standing a bit close makes me want to run a mile.


There are so many other things but i'll leave it at this. I feel like my life isn't worth it.


I'm not even sure what I am anymore and I don't know how to solve all these things going on.|||I would definitely look into seeing a psychologist. I used to be depressed and feeling worthless and alone, but I found Jesus and he has turned my life around. He has given me something to live for and brought me peace and joy =) Good luck feeling better Jesus loves you.|||Yes.





Time will solve all such tough problems. Don't worry.





Time is the best Healer.|||I have the exact same problem with the every day rituals bit. I can't walk from my bedroom to bathroom with out having a mini heart attack. And like you say, it feels as though my heart needs to get away from whatever I am running from my self - because it is beating so fast. :L I haven't found a solution yet, though I just suggest MAKING your self walk slowly from the bedroom to bathroom etc.. I know its hard, i've only done it once and I felt like I was going to die. But my friend had a similar problem and she did this and over and over and after a few weeks of trying and failing, it worked. She still has the problem but its only late at night and if she has watched any films or remembers anything. :P





Hope it gets better, and I would suggest seeing someone for your other issues. ^^|||I'm a 23 yr. old male in California, and a lot of what you described made sense to me. I totally get what you mean when you say you prefer to be alone rather the force yourself in Social Situations. Because everything becomes a factor when in public. How you move, talk, walk. What your perspectives are and certain subjects. What do I have to offer? Why is this so difficult? Am I lame? Does what I think even matter in a conversation. Anxiety completely consumes you and takes you out of your element into a point where you can't even relate to a person on the simplest of things. To get your mind right you begin to self medicate with alcohol to other drugs so that your mind can be entertained and distracted from what you have developed which could possibly be slight Depression/Social Anxiety, which is why you prefer to be alone. Isolation and Depression go hand in hand and can only get worse if you don't try to break the cycle. If you feel it's out of your hands you should really reach out for help. If you have medical, visit your hospital and talk to a doc. Cases like this happen often. I felt like you alone and on the brink of insanity but there's always a solution. I take medication for my anxiety and I'm glad I made the decision to look for help. What seemed impossible now seems like I can manage with ease. Hope This Helped.