I just need someone to listen. Will it ever be okay?

I have been through a lot in my 20 year-life. More than anyone should ever experience. And I just need some reassurance that everything will be okay. My mom walked out of my life after being "my best friend" for so many years. I struggle with talking to her again but I know it will only cause problems in my relationships between siblings, dad, and step-mom. I live at home with my dad and family, while finishing my junior year of college, working part time. My dad hates that i get out of work at midnight, but when i'm not at school, i'm at work. Family time happens, but its just not the same. I just...i miss my mom, a lot. More than anything actually. And despite everything that she did to myself and my family, i would do anything to have her back. But, my dad and brother is all I have with going back to my mom means losing them. I could never do that to my family. My dad and i get into verbal fights sometimes and it makes me feel like some how its all my fault (like the work example). I sit here, telling myself that i screwed everything up, its because of me that I "dont have" a mom, because of me that my father daughter relationship breaks now and then, and because of me that everything that was good in my life has fallen apart. Some days its okay but others not so much. I can remember times when i was much younger where my parents and i got into a fight and it ended with me sitting in my room, balling my eyes out, saying "nobody loves me, everybody hates me" and sometimes getting to the point of me purposfully falling off my bunk bed, hitting my head on things, doing what ever i could to feel something good in a sense that showed they still cared (even if it meant wrapping a twisted ankle from falling on purpose). I know my dad knows about my crying and such when younger but idk if he realizes that i "hurt" myself on purpose (i dont anymore btw). Now, i just get back to that same feeling of "nobody loves me, nobody understands me, everyone hates me, its all my fault" and i just dont know what to do. I just... I dont know anymore. I feel so alone and unwanted because of it and i just want everything to be better; to be okay again, where everyones happy.I just need someone to listen. Will it ever be okay?
Here's a big hug for you. The best advise that I can give is you're an adult, sit with you're dad explain to him in a descent manner how you feel don't pick a fight and ask him not to as well, you have things on you're heart that's bothering you and you need to let it out, you might just find your talk brings you two closer. Give it a chance. Even if you have to do the talking over two sessions giving you two time in between to let the things sink in. Good luck. I'm thinking of you
The reason most of this is happening is because you are in a mental distress from the loss of your mom because you were so close and now you feel so alone because no one is as close to you as you mother not because you are disliked. If you were as close to your mom talk to her I know people will say that but actually try and maybe that will lighten your load a little.I just need someone to listen. Will it ever be okay?
Dear Kit:

I've been in that situation before and I can totally understand how you feel, but you should always remember that nothing lasts forever so you should always get the best of every single thing that happens to you; it doesn't matter if it is a good thing or a bad thing, it will end one day. You will always have the lesson and it's up to you to use it in your own life. I feel really sad that you feel like you can't talk to your mom because moms are really important. It doesn't matter if you feel like your mom doesn't care about you, I'm pretty sure she does but she may not know the way to express it and she may probably feel like she screws everything up :(. You are an adult, you work and study, you make your own decisions, and if it is your desire to build a relationship with your mom, you should confront your fears, you should talk to your Dad and your brother and let them know that it would hurt you so much if they don't support your decision of you having more contact with your mom, but you'll still try it because you love your mom as much as you love them, and that you are already an adult and you should learn from own experiences. If the decision of interacting more with your mom ends up well, you would've done THE THING OF YOUR LIFE, but if it doesn't you would've learn from your own mistake :)



Do it :)

Live your life, don't let anyone else tell you how they live your life ;)

Enjoy :D Be happy, make friends...do sports, go to the gym , run, scream, sing, dance, love!!

Be happy :D!!



Hope you feel better :)



Blessings*
You love your mother and miss her. Dad and the siblings are angry with mom. Is this correct?

You will graduate soon and probably won't be living at home much longer. Sounds like you need your space.

What happened between your parent's was not your fault.

You are an adult. You can visit your mother and your dad. If it upsets your dad don't tell him.I just need someone to listen. Will it ever be okay?
Hang in there, everything WILL be alright. This whole thing isn't your fault at all. As you said, when you're not at school, you're at work. You're doing something good with your life, instead of getting drunk at night, you're working. Finish college, get a stable job, and if absolutely necessary, break connections with your father. Talk to your mom when your father isn't there because it is important for a child to stay in contact with both their parents. Everything may seem like it's hard, but just wait and continue doing the right thing. I promise you, everything will be alright.